Getting Through the Day

Do you ever wonder, "How am I ever going to get through the day?" I do, almost every day. I guess I just took it for granted that I would be able to be the "baalabusta" my mother was and breeze through the day with the flick of a spatula and the wave of a Dustbuster. It just looked so easy but, as I finally figured out, it took my mother many years of practice to perfect the recipe for home management.

Having grown up in a society that values money and career rather than motherhood and caring, you can imagine it was somewhat of a shock when I finally ended up as a wife and mother.

I was excited to have a child, but also a little scared--I had no idea what it really meant to be a mother. I was a college graduate and a career woman; a journalist and video producer. I was more adept at changing a camera battery than a diaper, more knowledgeable about Microsoft than Babysoft, and could more easily manage a production schedule for a large film crew than a day at the mall for a small family.

You'd think with a college background and experience in management I should have had no problems right? Wrong. Being a wife and mother is hard work; harder than any job I've ever had. I felt the truth of that old saying: "Man may work from sun to sun but a woman's work is never done." I was running so fast just to stay in one place. I thought the day would never end.

Over time I gained valuable home management skills from friends, relatives, role models, and counselors. I also gleaned valuable advice from books and magazines. These helpful hints included such things as menu planning, cooking double and freezing, play groups with neighbors, shopping lists, writing it all down, the portable phone, getting as much cleaning and babysitting help as you can, attending classes that uplift the spirit, and making time for oneself.

But even after getting organized physically, I still wasn't able to get through the day happily. These management tools may help organize your day, but if you don't have a good attitude toward being a homemaker, then all the tools, techniques, menus, and lists won't help organize You: body and soul.

I used to resent the amount of work I had to do in the home. I thought being a mother meant I would be eternally doomed to loads of dirty laundry, tied to the stove with ball and chain, and forever changing diapers. But that's not necessarily the case. I could be the kind of wife and mother I chose to be. I could be a happy mother or a miserable mother; it was merely a matter of attitude. An older and experienced woman in my community with a dozen or so children once told me, "You can get through the day laughing or crying. It's easier—and nicer—to laugh."

Whenever I get in an attitude bind I often ask my neighbors and friends who seem to have it all together for advice. One long-time rebbetzin told me it took her six years before she finally got the point and got help in the home. She was a new woman every time the cleaning woman left.

A Mental and Spiritual Toolkit
Well beyond physical help and management skills, however, most women today in their early childbearing years also need a mental and spiritual toolbox. I used to pride myself on how well I could fix things around the house and looked fondly upon the box of tools my father assembled for me before I went to college. There was a hammer, a screwdriver, and even a light-bulb tester he made himself from a bit of wire and a bulb. But physical tools are only a means to an end, not an end in themselves. I am slowly learning that a strong mental tool kit is far more valuable.

I came to realize that my mental tool kit was bare, so I started to assemble some suggestions and reminders to keep me going, one day at a time. The following are some words of wisdom that I've found helpful in getting myself through the day. Perhaps they may be of help to you.

Nechoma Greisman, of blessed memory, was a wife and mother, popular lecturer, and teacher who lived in Jerusalem. Her brand of common-sense advice on everything from freezing homemade baby food in an ice tray to how to view your home as a miniature Holy Temple, inspired women all over the globe. Her articles were compiled in theNechoma Greisman Anthology as a tribute to her blessed life.

In one of her essays she writes: "The mother is the key to the household. This is why she is referred to as the akeres habayis, the root and foundation of the home. If she is happy and smiling, the entire household will be happy and smiling. And if she is nervous and on edge, everyone else will also be. Once when I was still a student," she writes, "one of the other students asked our teacher what the essential task of a woman is. She answered, 'To be happy.' "

In a woman's tool kit, I think the best asset we have is Hashem. Nechoma Berg and Chaya Levine write about including Hashem in managing a home in their book It's About Time (1992, Tamar Books):

"As women, we have all experienced 'those days.' Those days when even the no-fail recipe flopped. When that favorite cup of coffee just slipped out of our hands. When we planned to run a dozen errands and the car broke down the baby wouldn't nap the kids were wild when nothing seemed to go our way

"We can plan schedules, write lists, make charts, draw diagrams and work twelve hours straight, but we can't succeed without Hashem's help.

"Recognizing that the outcome of our efforts is not totally within our control, will alter our outlook. Rather than berate ourselves when plans don't work out as anticipated, we can accept whatever happens as the will of Hashem. We can say gam zu l'tovah, this too is for the best, aware of the value of a nissayon, trial, and a kapparah, atonement. We can praise ourselves for the effort we made and for cultivating the attitude of gam zu l'tovah. And we can daven [pray] for siyatta d'shemaya, [help from Above] recognizing that it is only with Hashem's help that our hard work will bear fruit. Davening can help prevent despair when the situation seems too difficult to handle."

They write that if Hashem puts you is a certain situation then you have the strength to handle it. "When you feel your strength ebb, you can daven to Him for the ability to continue. If after exerting our best efforts, things do not work out as planned, realize that everything Hashem does is for our benefit."

This is a very helpful piece of advice for me, for sometimes things don't work out the way I planned. The knowledge that Hashem is in charge helps me keep things in perspective. Once a mashpia (advisor) told me that I shouldn't be so anxious when stuck in traffic; rather, I could look at it as an opportunity to spend quality time talking with my husband or telling stories to the children. Likewise, if for one reason or another something breaks or I end up missing a sale and an item costs more than I would have liked, I must realize that this, too, is in the hands of Heaven. Perhaps this would-be extra money was not meant to be mine in the first place and was rather meant to go for tzedaka. With this kind of attitude, even monetary setbacks can be gam zu l'tovah.

Nechoma Greisman echoes this idea when she writes: "Everything is in the hands of Heaven other than the fear of Heaven, our sages teach. You have little control over your looks, intelligence, family members' temperament, etc. But you can change your outlook, your habits, your goals. It is your life, and the decision is in your hands. It is a tremendous job, but luckily Hashem does not make excessive and unreasonable demands for His creatures. On the contrary, we have help from Above."

In one of her essays, Nechoma Greisman describes the services of the Kohen Gadol, the High Priest, and likened his service in the Holy Temple to the work a woman performs in her house—her mikdash me'at, miniature Temple. Whatever a Kohen did, even if it only appeared to be a routine chore—i.e., washing the floors, preparing the sacrifices, preparing the priestly garments—was an act of holiness.

The Kohanim performed the entire spectrum of chores and duties with which every homemaker is familiar. The difference between the Kohen and some of us is that when the Kohanim performed these menial chores they did it with a feeling of pride and special distinction. They had been singled out for the privilege of managing the House of Hashem and being His servants. Likewise, she quotes the Lubavitcher Rebbe, who quotes the Rambam, who wrote that any Jew who decides to dedicate himself to Hashem's service is regarded in this sense as a Kohen. It is within his power to completely transform his regular menial tasks in life into Divine service. Even though many of the functions, tasks and duties of a mother do not appear to her to be direct service of Hashem, the Rebbe stresses that every physical task of a mother is indeed Divine service!

If you simply employ house management techniques and tools without a proper attitude, you may make progress in your home but not in your soul. In reference to a clean home, Nechoma Greisman writes that "with a proper attitude and trust in Hashem your house and home will be clean and by the end of your day or end of days you will have arrived clean and intact, body and soul."

May Hashem help us all to have the physical, emotional, and spiritual strength it takes to get through the day and may our days will be filled with happiness and joy until the ultimate joy with the arrival of Moshiach, may it happen speedily in our days. Amen!



This article originally appeared in NJP #1.

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