The Torah on Mothering

I recently came across a full-page ad in a major newspaper. Its design and text were set up to mimic a scientific article relating important facts on the subject of infant health. It even included the telephone number for an infant nutrition hotline. “At this very moment,” the heading boasted, “millions of babies throughout the world are being fed _____.” (a popular infant formula).

I read through the ad/article with interest. What would their angle be? Well, the reader is told repeatedly that babies fed this particular formula are most similar to breastfed babies and that this particular brand of formula is closest to mother’s milk. Apparently, the manufacturer has managed to imitate sugar levels of mother’s milk. He has also added taurine, an essential amino acid for the development of eyesight. Most amazingly, the stool of the babies fed with this formula are similar in color and texture to that of babies fed with breastmilk!

I found a very basic problem with all of this (not to mention a host of other problems): G-d has been conspicuously been left out of the picture! There is a basic flaw in the entire western outlook of parenting infants, in general, and of the mother/child relationship specifically. The sole emphasis is on the physical; the spiritual is non-existent. This is not Jewish, and it is about time Jews woke up to the fact that not all that glitters is G-dly. Judaism is holistic; the spirit and the physical are one. This pertains to the mother/child system as much as it pertains to kashrus [the laws of keeping kosher], tefillah [prayer], and all other areas of life.

I have a firm belief in a woman’s inherent natural ability to nurture her children. This nature is at the same time physical and spiritual. Unfortunately, post-industrial Western society’s view on parenting infants goes against the nature of both infants and mothers. It has deleted the spiritual element. We, as Jews, are interested in returning to the Source. The first thing we must do is recognize that nature was divinely planted on this earth to ensure the sustenance of all of G-d’s creations.

The mother/child system is G-d’s way, through nature, of preserving humanity. I think that we have been profoundly distanced from this true nature of ours. When we examine all that G-d created within the nature of the mother, it is impossible to say that she was created this way for no particular reason. It is written that everything ever created “has some beneficial implication for mankind, either materially or spiritually and ultimately both” (Shabbat 77b). The bottom line is that G-d created the universe and implanted in it all things with their own sustaining systems. Something as complicated as woman, who possesses the physical equipment for mothering, must certainly possess all other necessary aspects of mothering as well. The maternal instinct is an integral part of Creation and the workings of the world.

Today, many have fallen prey to the “god” of science. Thus, the authentic Jewish approach to parenting (as well as other aspects of Jewish life) has been tainted by the culture in which we live. Of course, science has its place in Jewish thought. It should serve to provide comprehension and a deeper appreciation of the divine blueprint of the world. We study science in order to strengthen our beliefs and our appreciation of G-d’s miracles. “Everything that G-d created in this world He created for His own Glory” (Pirkei Avot 6:11).

It is time to return to the inner voice that tells us what is right and good to do for our children. It is time to stop and think about the parenting methods generally accepted even among Orthodox Jews today. It is time to begin questioning; the time has come to open our minds to what is truly Jewish.

Take a moment to compare what has been presented to us as normal in Western society and what is accepted as normal in terms of our holy Torah. At about the turn of the twentieth century, the “don’t spoil the baby” approach became very popular among medical professionals. Babies’ behavior was then, and today continues to be, looked upon as manipulative. In 1928, the “experts” went so far as to advise mothers never to hug or kiss their children or let them sit on their laps!

Today, doctors often give mothers minimum and maximum time limitations on babies’ crying. I term this the “who is boss” syndrome. I have to be honest with you; I am not interested in teaching a four-month-old who is boss. When a baby cries, he is not being manipulative or bad. He is simply communicating in the only way he can—the way in which G-d has created him to communicate. We, as Jewish parents, have a responsibility to respond to these cries. “A person must not ignore her child’s cries,” for “women who let their babies cry for a long time while they go about their business will be taken to task for this unacceptable manner of mothering” (Pele Yoetz, Erech Yonkei Shadayim).

According to Jewish thought, babies are not bad. They do not have bechira (freedom of choice) like adults whose natural instincts need to be harnessed and guided. After all, what are a baby’s instincts? Babies have a basic physiological and emotional need to be held, fed, and to feel secure.

Jewish mothers should be interested in teaching their children love. I want my baby to sense, “When you need me, I will be there for you.” As it says in Psalms, “The Guardian of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps.” I try to be for my child what G-d is for me. It is impossible for the child to reach his full potential without sufficient maternal love. We train our children to act kindly toward others by doing the very same for them. He who experiences love learns to love. For this reason, women are exempt from many mitzvot. This allows a mother the freedom to properly nurture her children at all hours of the day.

A child who does not learn to trust in his or her parents will have much difficulty learning to have complete trust in our Creator. On the same note, a child who was not given the opportunity to develop a sense of self-worth will not have an easy time accepting that he or she has a specific, G-d-given purpose in this world, in general, and to the Jewish nation specifically. Positive reactions to the needs of the infant lead to the child’s maximum ability to learn and to understand trust.

In our morning prayers we ask G-d to “rescue me today and everyday from the destructive spiritual impediment…” The commentary Siach Yitzchak explains that when a person starts off well, his chances for future success are enhanced immeasurably. We therefore pray that G-d provide us with the proper conditions to serve Him and that He remove any impediments from our path. If we make such a request each morning, the start of each new day, how much more so do we require the same at the start of our lives. If only each of us were able to start our lives without the impediments that ultimately restrict our ability to serve G-d properly, we could more easily succeed in reaching our potential. We, as parents, have the opportunity to provide our children with the best possible start in life. The choice is ours: will we put G-d back into the picture or will we continue to worship the god of science?

What do our sources say about breastfeeding?

As a result of scientific finagling with all things inherent in the mother, baby formula companies have convinced the entire Western world, including much of the medical community (and have even made great inroads into other cultures) that formula is a fine substitute for mother’s milk. Women have been freed to follow careers and basically detach themselves from their infants at a very early age. (Certainly, a mother may have very valid reasons for working outside of the home. There is a vast difference between a well-thought-out decision involving serious prioritizing, and simply going out to work because the society in which we live has dictated to us that one is incomplete if she does not have a career and a life outside of the home.)

In our society, a woman who breastfeeds for three months is considered a mother who is doing what is best for her infant. If she breastfeeds for six months, she is virtuous. Someone who continues for a year is downright saintly. By eighteen months or so, the mother is seen as weak, or indulgent, or suffering from some perversion causing unfathomable damage to her child!

In addition, many mothers are fed information regarding scheduled feedings and are warned against spoiling their babies by offering the breast every time the infant wants to nurse.

These ideas are alien to Judaism. Here is a brief look at what some of our sources have to say about breastfeeding:

• The Mishna (Ketubot 59b) instructs us that breastfeeding her baby is a woman’s obligation toward her husband—so much so that other household functions take lower priority during this time.

• According to the Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 81:7) a child may nurse, if healthy, until four years old; a sickly or weak child, until five years old.

• Most sources point towards 24 months as the accepted minimum length of the breastfeeding relationship. Even the most lenient of authorities points to the age when a baby has six to eight teeth. This is estimated to be between the ages of ten and sixteen months.

• The Talmud (Yerushalmi, Brochot 68a) states that a Jew should be involved in Torah every hour of the day just as a baby nurses every hour of the day. Also, a baby should be allowed to nurse as often as he desires. “Even if he nurses all day long it will not harm him” (Tosefta, Sotah 4:1).

Marilyn Tokayer’s book, Created in Wisdom, is available at the NJP Shop.



This article originally appeared in NJP #1.

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