Practical Guidelines for Gentle Discipline
by Leib (Lawrence) KelemenThe beginning of knowing how to discipline is knowing when not to punish. For example, children who are misbehaving because they are hungry or tired do not need punishment, they need to be fed or put to bed. In their stressed state, they probably are not capable of mustering the angelic deportment we prefer, and they certainly are not capable of learning the lessons we hope to teach them with our punishments. The same is true of sick children. Planting and Building ”Okay, he’s not hungry, overtired, or sick. Now can I punish?” This is the next question asked by many parents being introduced to this traditional approach. They are asking the wrong question, and they are doing so because they share a widespread misconception that education is a negative process—one of correcting mistakes. Therefore people feel the need to “educate” primarily when a child misbehaves. The rest of the time we parents and teachers can relax. According to this skewed perspective, education and punishment are synonymous. The reality is that being an educator is a twenty-four-hour-a-day job. When we are away from the child, we contemplate his schedule and routines to see if they need adjustment, and we consider which values and perspectives must be introduced and which must be reinforced. When we are with the child, we try to execute our plans, spontaneously adjusting as we receive the child’s feedback. We do the vast majority of our educating during moments of non-conflict. These are the times when we create good children. If children are playing nicely, they need to be praised. The children might pretend to ignore us. Or they might be momentarily distracted and share with us all the exciting details of their game, but they will eventually return to the behavior we encouraged. We should not sit passively waiting for misbehavior. There will be less misbehavior if we actively praise appropriate play. Toys and cookies are also valuable tokens of acknowledgment now and then, but can do damage if given too often. We provide the most powerful and harmless encouragement with legitimate praise, and abundant caresses, hugs, and other acts of affection. What about when a child misbehaves? Some parents and teachers obsess over this moment as if it represents the climax of all educational opportunities. “Now I can shape the child’s behavior!” they exclaim. “How do I do it?” The reality is that this is probably not an educational moment at all. If the child is acting wild, defiant, mean, or destructive, he is not in the best state for accepting wisdom from his parent or teacher. At such moments, the goal is just to stop the misbehavior while doing as little damage as possible to the parent-child or teacher-student relationship. Meanwhile, if the misbehaving child was not acting up because he was hungry, overtired, or sick, we should make a mental note of the behavior or value we would like to build or plant in the child, so that later, when things are calm, we can come up with a plan for ensuring that this scene becomes less common over the next few months. Stopping Misbehavior What gentle techniques can we pack into our end-the-misbehavior repertoire? Distraction is an ideal technique to accomplish this: Change the game, put on some music, move locations, place the child in a warm bath with some toys, or do something funny that catches the children off guard and draws them away from their current focus. If distraction fails, a stern look of disappointment is often enough. We are so used to harsh responses that we do not experiment enough with what we can accomplish with gentle theatrics. When even these do not resolve the inappropriate behavior, a calm instruction might be called for. Including the child’s name in the statement sometimes helps grab his attention, and inserting a brief, simple description of your concern can enhance effectiveness: “David, put down the bottle before it falls.” Walking up to the child before speaking will also grab more attention than long-distance communication. Also, children do not always hear or understand us the first time we issue a request, especially when they are wound up. So we might need to repeat ourselves calmly in different tones and with different words two or three times before the child responds. Our intention is not to nag but to communicate clearly, and our tone must reflect this. “When-Then” statements are also sometimes a helpful technique for moving children forward into the next activity: “When you get into your pajamas, then you may read a book.” The statement should never be presented as “If-Then,” since that would create an alternative (doing nothing) that we are trying to eliminate. The reward in the “Then” clause should be something we know the child would like to do right now. Again, because this condition puts us in the position of providing the child with something he wants, it will not damage the relationship the way harsh punishment does. The very last card in a repertoire of gentle techniques is removing the child from the setting in which he is misbehaving, or “time-out” as the procedure is widely known today. During time-out, the child is asked to remain alone in an unlocked room, stand in a corner, or rest in some similarly calming place. As one of the most severe punishments at our disposal, it is a procedure that should be used sparingly. The purpose of time-out is not to give us relief from an unpleasant miscreant, but rather to give the child emotional space to restart. If a child feels he is being banished because he is unloved, he will accept the evil identity we are foisting upon him, and his misbehavior will escalate. To ensure that the child does not feel banished, our instructions to take time out should be given in a normal tone of voice (without a hiss). Visiting the child with a quick “hello” while he is in time-out also transmits the message that we are not tired of his company. When children are sent into time-out, they should be told precisely why they are going into time-out and that they can come out whenever they are ready to be well-behaved. No time limit is necessary. Children who are given the opportunity can identify when they have calmed down. As an aside: By linking the release from time-out to an internal state (“You can come out when you are ready to play without hitting”), we encourage the child to turn inwards and examine his emotional state. Even if the child only engages in this simple introspection once out of every two or three times he is asked to take time-out, it will contribute significantly to development of emotional self-awareness, and this will assist many other aspects of later development. After the Misbehavior Once the misbehavior is over, we can return to real education. It is crucial that we try to identify the roots of the misbehavior. If the child is overtired, what needs to be changed about bedtime or naptime? If the child is hungry, should mealtime be changed or snacks provided? Are there behavioral routines (like putting away toys, eating with utensils and a napkin, or making the bed) that we need to teach the child? Are there values or perspectives that need to be planted? Once the underlying cause has been identified, parents or teachers must strategize about how to teach the new behavioral routine, value, or perspective. Whatever lessons need to be taught should not be transmitted in the form of harsh rebuke (since this risks flipping the child back into obedience mode). When possible, it is ideal if both parents can actively participate in the building or planting strategy they develop. Children hear things differently from a mother than from a father, and transmitting the message through both media will more than double the educational program’s effectiveness. In single-parent families, cooperative efforts of teachers, tutors, sports coaches, and other significant personalities in the child’s world can create multiple educational channels for building and planting.
|
